Know My Heart
by Meg0613
Summary: My follow up to Manhattan Transfer. Why didn't Oliva tell Barba about Tucker? What will happen now? How I would answer those questions, if the show was mine which sadly it is not.
1. Chapter 1

Know My Heart

My two current obsessions are Barson and Rachel Platten's album Wildfire. I heard this song the day after Manhattan Transfer and I couldn't help but think of the scene in Barba's office and what might come after it. Since then I see them in a lot of the songs on the album so I'm going to try and tell their story (or what I would like to be their story) with the help of some of these great songs. If you haven't listened to the album, it's on Spotify and worth your time. If you hear a song on it that you think sounds like them I would love for to hear about it. As usual none of the characters are mine because if they were things would look more like this…

 _You Don't Know My Heart_

 _Hey my fists are tight and I'm afraid_

 _Cause I cannot, I cannot explain_

 _Your heart is like a hurricane_

 _But can't you see I'm so in pain_

 _Guess I'm not cause I don't talk_

 _And then you write me off again_

 _And I don't think you understand at all_

 _I don't wanna use my mouth_

 _Don't know how to spell it out_

 _Every time I try, it sucks_

 _I just wish you could open me up_

 _And see-e-e-e all the confusion_

 _And the love, the hurt, the wrong words I'm using_

 _Cause tonight, it feels like..._

 _Like you don't know my heart_

 _You, you don't know, you don't know my heart_

 _Feels like eh_

 _You don't know, you don't know my heart_

 _You, you don't know, you don't know my heart_

 _Feels like eh_

 _Why, you say I never really see_

 _That it's only ever about me?_

 _Like I don't listen when you speak_

 _Like it doesn't kill me when your tears fall out_

 _And I cannot catch it_

 _And I do not have the perfect expression_

 _And I don't think you understand at all_

 _I don't wanna use my mouth_

 _Don't know how to spell it out_

 _Every time I try, it sucks_

 _I just wish you could open me up_

 _And see-e-e-e all the confusion_

 _And the love, the hurt, the wrong words I'm using_

 _Cause tonight, it feels like..._

 _Like you don't know my heart_

 _You, you don't know, you don't know my heart_

 _Feels like eh_

 _You don't know, you don't know my heart_

 _You, you don't know, you don't know my heart_

For as long as she lived Olivia would never be able to get the look on Barba's face out of her mind. First it was a look of hurt, then betrayal, then anger. She had seen him angry before and so she recognized the look. He had never been angry with her before, not like this.

" _You and I are done talking"_ Of all the words that had been hurled at her today those were the ones that hurt the most, the ones that left her alone, without the person she always went to when she needed someone to understand. She should have stopped him as soon as he started talking about Tucker but honestly she was caught so off guard she didn't know what was happening. Then suddenly the look in his eyes changed and she knew that he knew.

She didn't know which hurt worse his words or that he thought she was intentionally not telling him in order to gain information. He should know her better than that. He should know that she would never betray him like that. The look in his eyes though told her everything that she needed to know, he was done with her.

She turned her attention to trying to figure out where she should go from here. She had been temporarily relieved of duty pending the IAB investigation. They had laid out some of the evidence they had against Tucker and she had to admit it was pretty bad. She still couldn't believe that it was true, Could he have been involved in this the entire time they had been seeing each other? Could she have missed it? The truth was between both of their jobs and Noah they didn't actually see each other all that often. Never more than once a week sometimes not even that often. Their relationship was somewhere between a casual affair and friends with benefits. They met a need the other one each had for some type of companionship and understanding.

She had no idea where Tucker was tonight. He wasn't answering his phone and he hadn't returned her text. She sighed he had told her not to stick her neck out for him maybe this was his way of protecting her. In th back of her mind though she wondered if something else was going on.

A knock at her door interrupted her thoughts. She thought for a minute maybe it was him, but he had never been to her place. She wasn't ready for him to be around Noah yet, they weren't at that place. She was almost afraid to open it wondering what else could happen today. She was shocked to find Barba standing on the other side of her door, looking as bad as she felt.

"Barba…"She said stepping aside as he made his way into her apartment.

"Where's Noah?" He asked.

"Asleep, it's after 9:00." She said trying to figure out why he was here.

He nodded and paced around her apartment nervously.

"Why are you here Barba? I thought we were done talking." She said the hurt obvious in her voice.

"And I thought we could trust each other?" He replied bitterly,

"I do trust you" She pointed out.

"Not enough to tell me that you were sleeping with Tucker." He said.

She cringed at the way he said the words, "Nobody knew about Tucker and I, not until today anyways, our relationship was complicated." She tried to explain.

"That seems to be how you like your relationships complicated with men that you don't fully trust and won't fully give yourself to." Barba said wishing immediately that he hadn't.

His words felt like a smack across her face, he wasn't one to resort to that kind of low blow. She stared at him for a second. "So is that why you are here? To tell me that I have a lousy history with men? Thanks, I already know that."

Barba shook his head, "I came to tell you that I'm recusing myself from any part of this case."

Olivia stared at him again, "You don't have to do that for me Barba."

"I'm not doing it for you Liv," He said looking away his voice softer. Olivia's heart pulled a little when he called her Liv. "I'm doing it for me. I won't be a part in you throwing away your career for a man like Ed Tucker. I don't know where you and I go from here Liv but I won't have us go down like that."

Olivia could feel the tears forming in her eyes. Why did this have to be so damn complicated? She realized he was walking to her door getting ready to leave. She was filled with panic at what might happen if he left while things were this way.

"Please don't go." She said barely over a whisper in a tone that Barba had never heard from her before. 'I want to try and explain and make things right with us."

He turned back to her tossed his coat on the back of her couch, "OK explain" he said his voice still angry.

"I should have said something about Tucker and I as soon as you brought it up today. You caught me so off guard that I didn't know what to do. By the time my brain caught up you had already figured things out. I wasn't trying to get information from you Barba, I would never do that." She told him honestly.

A somewhat embarrassed look came over him, "I know you wouldn't, I trust you remember."

"Barba I do trust you." She said again.

"Then why did you never tell me about you and Tucker? We are supposed to be friends" He asked, Olivia was unable to make out the emotion behind his words.

Olivia stared at the floor for a minute before answering him, "Because I knew my relationship with Tucker was never going to go anywhere. It was just…"

"It was just what?" He asked not letting her off yet.

"It was just something to take my mind of the work and the stress, there were no strings attached and when it started that's all I thought I wanted."

Barba nodded seeming to understand, "And now you want more? You want something with strings? You've fallen in love with him haven't you?"

Tears began to form in Olivia's eyes and her emotions threatened to take over, "No, Barba, I'm not in love with him. He's not the one I want something more with. If you really understood me you would know that."

"I don't understand then why him?" Barba asked his voice starting to rise again.

"Because, how I feel about him doesn't scare me and I knew I could walk away at any time and I would be all right. I knew we didn't care enough about each other for either of us to get hurt" She told him the tears falling from her eyes.

Barba crossed the room to her and put his hands on her shoulders, "Is that all you want Liv, A relationship where you don't have to worry about getting hurt?"

"If you could see everything that's going on inside of me you would know that is isn't what I want." She said their eyes fixed on each other's.

"Tell me what's going on inside of you." He said softly

"I can't" She whispered

"Tell me or tell me to leave Liv, you have to choose." He said his eyes pleading with her.

She opened her mouth to try to speak but like earlier in his office no words would come only this time she didn't turn to leave she closed the remaining distance between them and pressed her lips to his and she immediately felt his arms wrap around her and pull her closer into him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and they lost themselves in the fire of their tongues clashing together, their hands grasping at each other as if they were both afraid to let go.

When they finally broke apart for a second Olivia managed to say with ragged breath, "I was with Tucker because I hoped it would keep me from thinking about being with you."

With those words Barba covered her mouth with his again putting every bit of emotion that he had felt that day into the kiss. He heard her let out a moan and he pulled her closer running one hand through her hair and the other still firmly wrapped around her waist.

"If you wanted to be with me all you had to do was say so." He said between kisses.

"I was afraid." She confessed as she kissed him again.

He pulled back for a minute putting his hands on either side of her face, "What were you afraid of?"

"Of how much I feel for you and how much I know you feel for me." She told him.

"And now?" He asked

"I'm only afraid of losing you." She said tears beginning to form.

"Not going to happen My Love." He said as he began to kiss her again.

As the kiss depended Barba was finding it impossible to keep his hands still as her body pressed into his. He allowed one to drop from her waist to the curve of her hip and land on her backside and he heard her moan again.

"Should we stop?" He asked her praying the answer was no.

She responded by taking his hand and leading him to her bedroom. "I don't want to stop." She told him as she pulled him close again as the bedroom door closed behind them.

BARSONBARSONBARSONBARSON

"Should, I leave before Noah wakes up?" Barba asked her as the first light began to peak through her widow the next morning.

Olivia smiled as kissed him, "Well, I would rather he not found us like this, but we could get dressed and make some breakfast. I mean if you want to." She said suddenly worried he might want to leave.

He smiled at her as he climbed out of her bed and pulled on his pants, "Does he like pancakes?" he asked heading towards her kitchen.

"Yes" She called out after him smiling as she watched him go still trying to figure out how things had turned around so quickly. Her thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of her phone; it was a text from Tucker.

 _We need to meet this morning_

Olivia took a breath and headed out to tell Barba about it when she heard Noah coming down the hall.

"Mamma, Rafi's here" He said with some confusion.

'Yes, Rafi's going to make us pancakes." She said picking up her son while handing Barba her phone at the same time.

"And bacon?" Noah asked

Barba nodded turning his attention from the phone back to the child, "I can make bacon".

After they finished breakfast Noah wondered off to play and Liv and Barba sat at the table. "So what are you going to do?" He asked her taking her hand in his.

"I think I should meet with him and tell him that we are over and that he needs to get a good lawyer." She told him.

"I'll go with you." He said.

"No you won't. I can handle Tucker and you don't need to get yourself in trouble." She told him.

He knew that arguing with her would be pointless, "You will meet him in public right? And call me as soon as you are done?"

She leaned across the table and kissed him, "I promise. You really think he's dirty don't you?" She asked.

Barba looked at her, "I hope that I'm wrong Liv I really do. I should probably go home and change before work." He said with a smile.

They walked to the door and Barba pulled Olivia in for a kiss, "Please be careful Liv. I love you."

Olivia pressed her lips to his, "You worry too much, but I love you anyways."

Barba smiled as he walked down the stairs of her building but he still couldn't help but think that her meeting Tucker alone was a bad idea.

TBC


	2. Stand By You

Know My Heart

Chapter 2 Stand By You

A/N I apologize for the wait between updates, usually I am much quicker than that but sick kids and real life have had me tied up. The next one won't take so long I promise. Thank you for all of the feedback and sticking with the story. Again song lyrics by Rachel Platten

Hands, put your empty hands in mine

And scars, show me all the scars you hide

And hey, if your wings are broken

Please take mine so yours can open, too

'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes

And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I

And, love, if your wings are broken

Borrow mine 'til yours can open, too

'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through

Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you

Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you

Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you

Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed

And the heart—sometimes it's unclear why it's beating

And, love, if your wings are broken

We can brave through those emotions, too

'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Oh, truth—I guess truth is what you believe in

And faith—I think faith is having a reason

And I know now, love, if your wings are broken

Borrow mine 'til yours can open, too

'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through

Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you

Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you

Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you

I'll be your eyes 'til yours can shine

And I'll be your arms, I'll be your steady satellite

And when you can't rise, well, I'll crawl with you on hands and knees

'Cause I... I'm gonna stand by you

Olivia walked into the small diner a couple of blocks from Tucker's apartment. She took a breath as she spotted him already sitting in a booth in the back. On the cab ride there she had tried to work through her emotions. She knew that Nobody especially Barba cold understand why she cared about him but she couldn't help it she did. However, she knew Barba was right she couldn't risk her career for him. She also, needed him to know that they were over personally.

"I'm glad you came." He said as he leaned in to kiss her.

Olivia quickly turned offering him her check before sitting in the booth. Tucker gave her a confused look but slid into the booth across from her.

"I'm sorry that I never called you back last night I was trying to figure out some things. " He explained.

Liv nodded, "I understand, I was dealing with some things too."

"So what do you know? What did IAB say to you?" He asked

"It looks bad Ed, they have a lot of evidence against you." She said shaking her head.

"What evidence?" He asked as he became aggravated.

"I can't say Ed you know that." She reminded him.

"You mean you won't say."

"Ed, are you asking me to risk my career and possibly go to jail so that you can know what IAB has on you?" She asked him in disbelief.

"Olivia, you would only be risking anything if I was guilty and I'm not, you know that right?" He said reaching for her hand.

She shook her head, "I want to believe that Ed, I really do, but I can't be a part of this."

"Do you mean the investigation or us?" He asked.

Liv looked down at the table and then back up at him, "Either Ed, I can't be part of either."

"So because my cousin is framing me we are over? "

"Come on Ed, we both knew this wasn't a long term relationship. I'm sorry it's now but this isn't a position that I can put myself in. I have my son and my career to think about. Be careful Ed" She said as she stood up to leave.

"And Barba too I suppose." He said causing her to turn back and look at him.

"What about Barba?" she asked trying to keep her emotions of her face and out of her voice.

"I see the way the two of you look at each other, to be perfectly honest I figured all along you were sleeping with both of us." He said coldly.

Liv just shook her head and pressed her lips together, "Well, that's something you won't have to worry about anymore Ed." She told him as she walked out of the diner.

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

Olivia spent the rest of the day with Noah. They had gone to the park and the library and then to the market. Olivia was going to do her best to enjoy the extra time she had with him even if it wasn't under the best of circumstances. Barba had been busy at court all day so they hadn't had a chance to talk since she had met with Tucker. Shortly after five he had called and asked if he could come over, he offered to bring dinner but Olivia was already cooking. She smiled when her bell rang and smiled even bigger when she opened the door to find him holding a bouquet of pink tulips.

"My favorite," She said as she kissed him.

"I know." He said pulling her closer to him until he heard footsteps running to the door.

"Rafi, kissing Mommy." Barba heard Noah say with a giggle as he released Olivia with a grin.

"Hola, amigo, did you have a good day with your Mami?" He asked Noah.

"Yes, we went to the park and story time, and then I got a cookie." He told him with excitement.

"That does sound like a good day." He said walking into the apartment dropping his briefcase by the door as he took off his coat and tie placing them on the back on one of Olivia's bar stools. "What smells so good?"

"Mommy's making 'sanga!" Noah told him drawing a confused look from Barba.

"Lasagna" Olivia explained with a smile. "Noah, why don't you go play with Mommy's IPad for a few minutes ok?"

"So how did it go?" Barba asked once Noah had run off.

"I guess as good as could be expected." Olivia said hoping that would satisfy him.

"What does that mean?" Asked Barba who wasn't easily satisfied.

"He knows about us, even though I didn't bring it up. He said he figured I was sleeping with both of you all along." She told him which drew a sharp look from Barba.

"He said that to you?"

"Relax, I can handle Tucker." She said shaking her head at him.

"The man is an asshole, and I would rather you didn't have to handle him at all." He told her not even trying to hide his dislike of the other man.

"Well, honestly however this goes I probably won't ever have to again. I mean even once we are both cleared IAB won't put him back over SVU since we have a history." She pointed out.

Barba pulled her into his arms and brushed her hair away from her face, "Well then I guess maybe something good will come out of this." He said as he kissed her, "Now what is this I hear about 'sanga ?"

Olivia smiled at his use of Noah's term, "Yes, Barba I can cook. In fact why don't you set the table while I finish getting dinner ready? "

Barba went quickly to work setting the table while Olivia finished up dinner. Noah wandered back out with one of the books that they had picked up at the library.

"Mommy read my book?" He asked her.

Barba looked and could see that Olivia was still busy getting things ready, 'Come on amigo, I can read with you." He said picking up Noah and carrying him to the couch with his book.

Liv stood looking out at the two of them with amazement at how much things had changed in twenty four hours. Someone watching this scene would think this was a normal routine not something just admitted last night. Maybe that's what happens when you fall in love with someone who really knows you the way they knew each other she thought. She pulled the lasagna out of the oven as she heard Barba start reading.

'Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see?"

"Blue Bird" Noah yelled out excitedly.

They were just finishing the book and Liv was about to call them for dinner when her bell rang again. Barba looked over at her from the couch and Noah jumped up, "I get it! " He yelled and started to run to the door but Barba scooped him up and stood up with him.

"Why don't we let Mami get it Noah?" He said as watched Olivia cross the apartment.

"It's probably Finn he just got back from vacation and is a little unhappy he said he might come by." She explained.

Barba nodded his head and wondered what the gruff detective would think of finding him here like this. He tried to come up with a good explanation but really standing there with holding Noah with his coat and tie off there was no way to try and pass off his reason for being here as anything but personal. In that moment he realized that he didn't want to make an excuse for why he was there. He didn't want to be another hidden relationship Liv had too many of those. He was crazy in love with her and even if they didn't have all of the answers yet he wanted her to know that he wasn't going to hide what they had away.

It didn't matter though because it wasn't Finn at the door, Chief Dodds and two investigators from IAB were standing at her door.

"Chief what can I do for you?" She asked knowing that nothing good was going to come from this.

"Evening Lieutenant, " he paused when he noticed Barba standing there holding Noah, "Counselor, surprised to see you here."

Barba set Noah down, "Amigo, go pick out another book and I will come to your room in just a minute." He told him and came over and stood behind Liv.

"Lieutenant, we are going to need you to come with us, there have been some knew allegations brought against you." Dodds explained with a look of smug satisfaction on his face.

"What are the allegations?" Barba asked the lawyer in him taking over.

"I believe you have recused yourself Barba this does not concern you." Dodds smirked.

"Barba, it's fine I will go. Are you ok with Noah?" Liv said turning to him.

Barba nodded, "Of course, you don't answer one question without counsel do you understand me?" he said

Liv nodded this time, "Call Rita and tell her to meet us at One PP"

Barba looked into her eyes wishing desperately he could remind her that he loved her but he knew this wasn't the time. A small smile crossed her lips as she looked into his eyes, "I know Barba, I know" she said as she grabbed her coat and turned to leave.

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

Olivia sat alone in the IAB conference room for close to two hours. Where was Rita? Whatever these allegations were she wanted to get through them and get home to Noah and Barba. It was getting close to bedtime and she could only imagine the scene of Barba trying to get him into bed. The thought of it brought a smile to her face knowing that somehow the two of them would figure it out.

Suddenly the door to the conference room burst opened and Barba burst in.

"What are you doing here? Where is Noah?" She asked confused as to what was happening.

"He's fine, I called Lucy, Rita is out of the country on vacation Liv and you need a lawyer, so I'm here."

"You can't represent me Barba, even if you have recused yourself from the case you are still an ADA." Liv said.

Barba shook his head, "I just put in for an indefinite leave of absence Liv. I'm not leaving you alone on this. I'm going to stand by you until the end, even if it brings us both down I'm with you." He told her.

Olivia stared at him for a minute trying to take it all in equally touched by his words and concerned by the worry she read on his face.

"Barba, what are the allegations?" She asked.

"Tucker is saying he told you about the ring a year ago and that you helped cover it up. He says that's part of how you got your promotion," Barba paused for a second before continuing, "He's also saying that's when you started seeing each other outside of work, he's saying you initiated that and pursued him even after he turned you down the first time."

Oliva put her head in her hands, "Son of a Bitch, You know this is all ridiculous right?" she asked him afraid he was going to leave her.

"Of course I do, but it gets worse Liv, Dodds is in on it too. They are coming after you Liv, I don't know why Liv but I have a feeling we are about to walk through Hell together. I just need you to know that I am here and we are going to get through this. I need you to trust me completely, you can tell me anything and I am still going to be here fighting for you. Do you trust me Liv?" He asked holding her hand over the table.

"I do Barba, I trust you completely." She said barley above a whisper.

'Good then, get ready to fight." He said letting go of her hand and walking to the investigators in.

TBC


	3. Fight Song

Chapter 3

Fight Song

Barb opened the door to the conference room, "We are ready ." He told the IAM investigators.

"First of Lieutenant Benson, thank you for agreeing to meet with us tonight," Sergeant Reynolds said.

"I wasn't aware I had a choice." Olivia said dryly prompting Barba to give her a look reminding her that she needed to say as little as possible.

'Well anyways, we have new evidence that you were aware of the sex trafficking ring and aided in the cover up." Reynolds explained smugly.

"I would like to see this evidence." Barba said before Olivia could speak again.

"Chief Tucker has provided us with dates back to last May when he says he first asked for your help in dealing with this ring."

"Last May? Tucker and I weren't even…"Olivia started but Barba cut her off.

"What was the date and location of this said first conversation?" Barba asked

"Last May 15th, Tucker says he met you at a bar where he told you about the case, this was the same time as the Johnny D case. He claims that you agreed to help make the case disappear and that he would back you with IAB regarding your son. Are you denying that meeting happened?" Reynolds partner a younger woman named Alice Cruz asked Olivia.

Olivia again opened her mouth to answer and Barba stopped her. "A moment with my client please."

The investigators stepped out and Barba looked at Olivia, "What part of you don't say anything until I OK it is hard for you to understand?" he asked.

"Barba, I have nothing to hide. Tucker and I did meet that day but that's not what happened. He told me everything was fine with Johnny D and not to worry about it, then we talked about Nick, there was no mention of a sex trafficking ring." She explained.

Barba nodded, "I think I know where this is going Liv. Tucker is going to try and tie your relationship to this." He paused for a second, "Liv, I need you to tell me more about your relationship with Tucker. I'm going to need to know how it evolved, when it became more than a work relationship."

Liv shook her head, "Not here not like this, I will tell you everything but not where they can watch us from the other side of the glass."

Barba sighed and looked down at his watch it was late and he could probably use that to their advantage. He called the Reynolds and Cruz back in to the room.

"Detectives, from what I can see you have no hard evidence against my client at this point. With that and mind and the fact that the hour is late, my client and I are leaving now. We will be happy to meet with you tomorrow." He told them nodding for Olivia to stand up. She quickly stood and began to follow Barba out of the room.

"Lieutenant, are you sure you want to do this? Tucker is willing to talk to us tonight." Detective Cruz said.

Olivia turned back to them, "I am not afraid of anything that Ed Tucker has to say." She said before nodding at Barba that she was ready to leave.

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

"Wine or scotch?" Barba asked as Olivia came back into the kitchen after changing clothes and checking on Noah.

Olivia smiled at him standing in her kitchen once again coat and tie removed and his dress shirt untucked and unbuttoned.

"Make yourself comfortable Counselor?" She teased him.

He offered her a nervous smile, "I figure the next conversation might not be my favorite one ever so I might as well be comfortable."

Olivia nodded in the direction of the two bottles that he had set on the counter, "Scotch" she said before heading to the couch.

Barba poured them each a glass and sat down next to her on the couch setting both glasses in front of them. Olivia looked at him nervously, "So where do I start?" she asked.

Barba placed his hands on her face and looked into her eyes, "With this," he whispered before he pressed his lips against hers drawing her into a slow tender kiss. When he finally released her he pressed his forehead against hers, "I love you Liv and nothing you tell me tonight is going to change that."

"You know if you had told me that a few months ago we probably could have avoided all of this." She said with a laugh.

"Fair point, but since I'm a little slow sometimes why don't you fill me in on how things happened with you and Tucker." He said sitting back on the couch.

"It really started out as nothing. I would need to run something work related by him and he would suggest we talk about it over drinks or dinner." She started and noticed Barba rolling his eyes. "Hey, how many times have we worked over dinner and drinks?"

"Sorry, go ahead." He apologized.

"Then he started showing up more around the squad room and we started going to dinner when work wasn't involved. It was just a convenient friendship really. Someone who understood my job and what it meant to be in charge. Honestly, I never thought of it as anything more until October."

"What happened in October?"

Olivia looked at him for a second waiting to see if he would figure it out and suddenly the look of realization crossed his face. "The case against those officers." He said in remembering that case that put so much strain on their relationship.

"The night of my grand jury testimony, "she said not making eye contact with him. "He was there waiting for me when I finished. I was, well, I was upset. He offered to buy me a drink. Then he suggested he just make us one at his place." Olivia finally looked up at Barba's face and was unable to gauge his reaction.

"The bastard took advantage of you." Barba seethed.

"Rafael, I'm a big girl, I knew what I was doing." Olivia said gently."Like I told you last night I hoped that he could help me not feel what I was feeling about you. I was so angry at you after that case. I felt like you betrayed us, even though I didn't know what we were."

"We didn't talk for two weeks after that." Barba said as he rubbed a thumb across her hand, "I practically had to order you to my office to get you to talk to me."

"I was embarrassed; I thought you would know right away. You have always been able to read me so well I thought you would know and I didn't want you to know."

Barba leaned back against the couch, "No, I can honestly say it never crossed my mind. I just thought you were mad at me still."

"I was, but I was also mad at myself because I knew you were right and I knew I never wanted you to find out about Tucker." She confessed.

"Regardless of anything else, its obvious Tucker knew what he was doing all along, all the way back to your conversation about Johnny D he was setting you up. He was leaving himself a bargaining tool if things came crashing down around him."

"And here I thought he cared." Liv said dryly.

"I'm sorry" Barba said realizing how what he said sounded.

"Don't, apologize for him. I knew he and I were using each other, I just didn't realize what I was being used for." She said taking a long drink from her scotch. "What else do you need to know?"

Barba shook his head, "Nothing, he's not going to win and we aren't going to talk about him anymore tonight."

Liv offered him a smile, "You should be mad at me, but you aren't, why?"

Barba pulled her back against himself, "All I keep thinking about us how that day after the grand jury everything in me told me to chase after you, to call you until you answered, to wait outside your door until you let me in but my damn pride said you needed to come to me. If I had come after you that day maybe none of this would have happened. We both have blame here."

Liv sighed and leaned against him and they sat silently in her living room for awhile. Until finally she spoke, "I'm scared Raf, what if they take my division from me then what?"

"I'm not going to let that happen. We are going to fight Liv. You and I know how to fight harder than any two people on this planet, there's no way they are getting away with this."

"Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it. What if I just left it all behind? There's a lot of people outside of the NYPD doing a lot of good, and they don't have to leave their children in the middle of the night to do it." She said surprised she had finally said the words out loud to someone.

"Do you want to leave the NYPD Liv? Do you want to do something else that would give you more time with Noah?" Barba asked her. He couldn't imagine the team without her but he would support her if she left for the right reason.

"I think about it a lot more often recently, especially after the incident at that townhouse. I've had organizations after me for several years asking me to join them and fight for victims rights, help change laws, things like that. It's tempting at times; it would be a lot safer." She admitted

Barba pulled back slightly and turned her so that she was facing him, "Olivia Benson, I want you to hear me very clearly, I will support whatever decision you make, but we are still fighting this. You want to leave the NYPD because you want more time with Noah or you think you can do more good somewhere else, then I will help you fill out the papers. However, we are not going to let Tucker and Dodds take you down without a fight. I won't let you do that, you've worked to hard."

Olivia leaned in and kissed him, "I love you Rafael Barba."

Barba kissed her back, "I need to go home, I won't have time in the morning, before we go back to one pp." He said when they broke apart. "I'll be here at eight, do not go without me."

Liv nodded, "Maybe you could bring a change of clothes with you tomorrow when you come, or two?" She asked almost hesitantly.

Barba kissed her again, "Definitely, My Love."

BarsonBarsonBarson

Olivia didn't sleep well that night and had to resist the urge to text Barba and ask him to come back. She knew he would without hesitation but she also knew he needed to rest. How could she miss the arms of a man that had only held her for one night? The night with Barba the dreams that came so often had stayed away, last night though they were back. Only his time Tucker joined Lewis, and so many others laughing at her taunting her, telling her that they were coming for her. She woke early and reached for her phone, relief washing over her once she saw his text.

 _Missed you last night, clear room in your closet, I'm bringing several changes of clothes. See you soon, Love, R_

Olivia held her phone tightly for a second before heading to the shower, ready to face the day ahead. She clicked on the playlist on her phone before stepping into the shower, smiling as the words of the songs carried over the sound of the water. She didn't know what today would bring but she knew without a doubt she had someone who loved her and she was ready to fight.

Like a small boat

On the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep

Everybody's worried about me

In too deep

Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)

And it's been two years

I miss my home

But there's a fire burning in my bones

Still believe

Yeah, I still believe

TBC


	4. Superman

Know My Heart Chapter 4

Superman

Two Hours later Oliva and Barba were sitting back in the conference room again facing the same investigators form the night before.

"So, did you manage to find any actual evidence against my client overnight or are you still just going on the word of a cop who admits to knowing about a sex trafficking ring and doing nothing about it?" Barba asked his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Captain Tucker is providing us with dates and locations of every time that the two of you met, most of which happen to coincide with times that he had also been meeting with his cousin and the vice officers. He says he would meet with them and then you would advise them how to best avoid getting caught He also says that you were thee one who suggested the church would be a good place to send the girls they were done with. That you knew you could keep an eye on them because of your experience with Ellie Porter." The investigator told her.

"So the answer to my question is no then." Barba said dryly as someone heard a knock on the door and Chief Dodds walked in.

"Lieutenant, Counselor, how are we doing today?" He asked with his usual smug expression.

"I'd be better if I was doing my job." Oliva snapped at him causing Barba to look at her reminding her to say as little as possible.

'Well, from what I can see you haven't been doing your job for a while now Benson." Dodds shot back.

"Once again, none of you have one bit of evidence against her, so I am not sure what we are doing here." Barba added again.

"How about a deal?" Chief Dodds suggested.

""What kind of deal?" Barba asked openly glaring at Dodds.

"We know that Tucker bares most of the responsibility here, so your client gets him to admit it and that he's framing her and we'll drop the charges against her."

"You want her to wear a wire and try and set up a cop who has spent almost two decades setting up other cops. He'll see it coming from a mile away, no way. Call us when you have an actual plan. Let's go." He said grabbing his briefcase and looking at Liv who shook her head at him.

"I'll do it." She said without hesitating, "I know Tucker, I can get him to admit it to me, but we are going to have to make it look good."

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

"I am going to say one more time what a monumentally bad idea this is." Barba said as he watched her zip up a dress that he had never seen her wear before, it hugged her body perfectly and he was surprised she was able to get her wire underneath it. He couldn't help but grow angry at the thought of Tucker looking at her wearing that dress, he hated to think that Tucker had probably seen her wear it before.

"Well that would be the fourth time since we left One PP and three times there so do you think the seventh time is the charm?" She asked trying to be sympathetic to how he must feel. She walked over to where he was sitting on the edge of her bed and put her arms around his neck, "Rafael, I know what I am doing, you have to trust me."

Barba wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, "I trust you, I don't trust Tucker and I don't want you anywhere near him.

"Are you saying this as my lawyer or my boyfriend?" She asked him running her hands through his hair.

"Both, but mainly as you're the man who loves you doesn't want to see you get hurt." He answered her honestly.

She smiled and moved to sit down in his lap, "I love you Rafael, I'm doing this so that we can put all of this behind us and start our life together." Surprised at the honestly of her own words.

Barba looked into her eyes, "Do you mean that Liv, a life together?" he asked his voice shaking a little.

Olivia smiled as she leaned in to kiss him, "Did you see how much space I made in my closet?" She asked him before pressing her lips against his.

It was the first time since they made love that they had been alone like this and suddenly all Barba wanted was to feel her that way again. The kiss grew more heated as he ran one hand up under the hem of her dress causing her to moan in his mouth as they kissed. His other hand reached for her zipper and he felt her hand cover his as she pulled back resting her forehead against his both of their hearts pounding.

"I'm sorry" He said knowing he was rushing things.

"It's ok, I want to but not while we are thinking about what I have to do. Tonight, when it's all over, I'm all yours." She said as she tried to regain her breath.

"I like the sound of that." He said as he smiled at her.

She pulled him up with her as she stood up and he noticed a change in her expression, "What is it?" he asked.

"You might hear things you don't want to hear when I do this, are you sure you want to be there?" She asked.

"You and Tucker are over, and after this is done it's you, me, and Noah, figuring out our life together, that's all I care about." He said as he placed one last kiss on her lips. "Well that and taking you out of this dress later." He teased.

"Oh do you like this?" She teased back suddenly knowing what he was wondering she smiled at him as she turned to walk out of the room, "Don't worry it's a new dress, you're the first one to see me in it."

Barba shook his head and smile as he watched her walk away.

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

Oliva took the glass of wine that Tucker handed her and took a sip from it before placing it on the coffee table.

"I was surprised that you called." Tucker said as he looked her over.

"Well Ed, I really don't have anyone else I can call now do I?"

"What about Barba?" Tucker asked trying to gauge her reaction.

"Sure, let me call the DA for advice about what to do when IAB thinks I have been covering up a sex trafficking ring with the man I'm seeing." She said careful to not let on she knew he was implicating her, "Besides, Barba isn't speaking to me anyway"

"So you weren't sleeping with both of us" Tucker said half surprised.

"No Ed, that's not my style, and I'm here now." She said scooting closer to him on the couch.

"Yesterday you said you couldn't have anything to do with me, so what's changed?" He asked he ran his hand down the length of her arm.

Oliva fought the urge to flinch and blocked Barba's face from her mind as she forced herself to relax under his touch, "Well I guess I need you." She said.

Tucker laughed, "I thought Oliva Benson didn't need anyone." He said dryly.

"I need to know how to get out of this situation with IAB."

"What about us?" He asked.

"Well, I'm here aren't I?" She asked as she leaned in closer to him and she felt him pull her closer as his lips covered hers and his hands ran through her hair. Olivia tried again to block Barba from her mind but could only imagine what he was thinking sitting in the van listening. She allowed the kiss to continue long enough to be believable but broke it off when she felt his hands begin to roam.

"Ed, we have to figure out what we are going to do first." She told him.

"What is there to figure out Olivia? There's only two ways that these things go away." He laughed.

"Ed, what do you mean?" She asked.

"Don't worry Oliva I'm not going to have anyone killed. I have enough money saved up to make this go away."

"I don't understand Ed, are you saying you're going to pay off IAB?"

Tucker laughed, "No, let's just say I will make a large enough donation to the church and they will ensure both of us are cleared."

"But what about the girls?" She said perhaps for the first time truly accepting just how dirty he was.

"Oh, Oliva, haven't you learned by now there's nothing we can do? There will always be men and women taking advantage of girls like them. I finally decided that I was tired of fighting a losing battle of bad cops and endless crime. It was time for me to get my piece and hey you actually helped a few girls along the way getting them set up with the sisters. You could keep doing that if you want."

Olivia stared at him blankly for a minute forgetting what she was there for and feeling sickened by his words. She stood and turned to leave and felt him grab her from her arm.

"Where are you going?" He asked

"Home to my son, I will figure my own way out." She said hoping he would let he go and she could just get back to the van and let IAB take over.

"Olvia, don't you get it I am your way out. You have nothing without me. " He said coldly his eyes glaring at her.

"Show's how little you know about me, Ed, I always have way out." She said as she pulled his hand off her arm. "I'm done here, he's all yours." She said as she reached for the door to his apartment.

Suddenly Tucker realized what was going on and he grabbed for Oliva, "You damn bitch." He yelled as his hand came flying across her face causing her to fall and hit her head on the table next to his door. She was on the floor not moving when his apartment filled with police officers and Barba behind them.

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

It was almost morning before they made it back to Oliva's apartment. She had gone to the hospital and given her final statement to IAB. She once again thanked Lucy for staying and checked on Noah. She went into her bedroom and found Barba staring out her window.

"Hey" she said softly walking up behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist. "You all right?"

He placed his hands over hers but didn't answer her, "Rafael, please look at me." She whispered fearing he was angry at her. Her heart broke when he turned and she saw the tears in his eyes.

"I'm fine" he said trying to keep his composure.

"Sure, you are Superman." She teased trying to put him at ease. "Rafael we've spent the last two days talking all about me and not once have I asked how all of this is on you. I'm sorry, you know you don't have to hold it all together right? The world isn't going to fall apart if you let me see your pain." She told him as she ran her fingers through his hair and she felt him pull her tight her.

"I could have killed him tonight Liv, when I saw you laying on the ground, if the others hadn't gotten to him first, I honestly think I could have killed him. " He told her the tears falling from his eyes onto her shoulders. "Does that make me a monster?"

Olivia placed a kiss on the side of his face, "No, My Love, it makes you human like the rest of us with feelings and I know you wouldn't have done it."

Barba loosened his hold on her and looked at her and smiled a little, "I'm glad one of us had faith in my self-control. I'm sorry to be like this Liv, you are the one who had been through hell and I'm a mess."

"Rafael Barba, don't you ever apologize for letting me see how you feel or letting me know that you need me. I don't need Superman, I need you." She paused and smiled at him, "I also need a shower, if you would be interested in helping me get this dress off still."

Barba kissed her and smiled, "I've been waiting all night." He said with a wink as he took her hand and led her towards the bathroom.

If I could break away half of all your pain

I'd take the worst of it and carry you like you carry me

You say that you're alright when tears are in your eyes

We're strong enough for this and I need you

It's okay that you need me

So put your armor on the ground tonight

Cause everyone's got to come down sometimes

You don't have to be Superman

You don't have to be Superman

You don't have to hold the world in your hands

You've already shown me that you can

Don't have to be Superman

TBC

Thank you again for your patience with this update! The next one should be much quicker.


	5. Better Place

Know My Heart

Chapter 5 A Better Place

A Better Place

I'll tell the world, I'll sing a song  
It's a better place since you came along  
Since you came along  
Your touch is sunlight through the trees  
Your kisses are the ocean breeze  
Everything's alright when you're with me

And I hold my favorite thing  
I hold the love that you bring  
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again  
And the colors are golden and bright again  
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong  
It's a better place since you came along  
It's a better place since you came along

I see the whole world in your eyes  
It's like I've known you all my life  
We just feel so right  
So I pour my heart into your hands  
It's like you really understand  
You love the way I am

 _One Month Later_

Olivia woke to the now familiar sound of waves crashing outside the bedroom window. When she listened over the waves she could hear her son squealing with delight followed by the sounds of her lover running after him. She didn't even need to go to the window to see what was happening she had watched this scene over and over for the last month. She knew it was the morning low tide and that Noah was running with complete abandon along the edge of the surf. Rafael chasing behind him scooping him up and pretending like he was going to toss him into the ocean. Then Noah would wrap his arms around Rafael and bury his face in the man's neck, both of them laughing. Then they would sit along the edge of the surf talking to each other. When Olivia asked them what they talked about they would both just smile and say, "Men stuff."

Olivia got out of bed and tossed Rafael's Harvard sweatshirt on over her t shirt and pulled on a pair of yoga pants. Making her way to the kitchen she poured herself a cup of coffee and walked out the door to the front porch of the beach house that Rafael had rented for them for the last month. She didn't bother with her shoes as she let the sand squeeze between her toes for one last morning. It was Friday and the real world expected them back on Monday, tomorrow they would pack up a month's worth of memories and head back to the city.

"Can I interrupt the men stuff?" She asked coming up behind them picking Noah up and setting him in her lap while leaning over and kissing Rafael running her hand over the three or four day old stubble that she had grown to love.

"Anytime, sleep well?" He asked her.

"Yes, so what are our plans for our last day?" She asked, Rafael noticing the slight saddens in her voice.

"I want ice cream and the toy store!" Noah exclaimed loving the small shops just a short walk or bike ride from their house.

"I think we can do both of those." Olivia said running her hands through her sons hair.

"I actually have a quick meeting I need to take care of, you guys be ok without me for a while?" Rafael asked her.

Olivia tried not to look disappointed that he would be gone for part of their last day but she understood. The DA's office had been very generous with his time off but he had a few things he had to tend to over the last month.

"Of course, will you be back for dinner?" She asked.

'Yes, why don't you pick up shrimp and crab, I'll stop for wine on my way back." He suggested.

"It will be nice to get back to a better wine selection." Oliva laughed thinking of the little store in town with boxed and screw cap wine.

"And pizza!" Noah added.

"Yes, Pizza" Rafael laughed.

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

Liv and Noah were coloring at the kitchen table when Rafael came in dressed in his suit for his meeting back in the city. Liv looked him over and smiled.

"What?" He asked with a grin.

"Maybe I had forgotten how good you look in a suit and clean shaven." She said with a shy smile.

"Then I guess we have more things to look forward to." He teased, he hadn't seen her in work clothes in over a month and really liked her in her casual clothes. Of course there were also the dresses that she had worn to dinner the couple of times his mom had come out and sat with Noah.

He leaned over and kissed, "I shouldn't be long, you want me to go by and make sure Dodds has cleared out of your office?" he asked.

Liv laughed, "I am sure Finn has taken care of that."

Rafael turned his attention to Noah, "I'll be back soon amigo, be good for Mami all right?"

Noah stood up from his chair and held his arms up for Rafael to pick him up. Liv started to tell him no that Rafi was dressed for work but the man already had the boy in his arms. "Love you amigo. I will be back soon."

"Love you Rafi." Noah said as he set back in his chair and continued coloring. Olivia fought back the tears amazed at how in one month everything had changed. As she watched him back out of the driveway she thought back to that night a month ago.

 _One Mont Earlier_

"I don't know what I want!" She had yelled at him angrily over the take out menus that sat on the corner.

It had been a long couple of days, she had been cleared officially by IAB and was waiting for the paperwork to be complete so she could take back control of her division.

"Well I'm not a mind reader." He snapped back at her then he stood and looked at her crossing around the breakfast bar and took her hands. "It's just dinner Liv, pizza or Chinese?"

The tenderness of his voice caused the tears to start falling from her eyes, "I don't know if I want to go back to SVU" she admitted between sobs as he gathered her in his arms.

"Ok, its ok you don't have to if you don't want to." He said unsure of what else to say.

"But I don't' know that I don't want to either. I just don't know what I want." She said regaining some composure.

"Then don't decide tonight, or tomorrow, tell them you want some time. You know that they will give it you after everything that has gone on. Tell them you want a month off, then you can take your time." He said as he gently rubbed her back.

"What would I do for a month?" She asked.

"You and Noah should go away. I have a friend with a house on the shore that he rents out. You guys could go there. You could rest and play." He suggested.

Liv looked up and him and she still wasn't sure where the next words out of her mouth came from, "Only if you come with us" she said to both of their complete shock.

"You better tell me right now if you don't mean that." He said looking at her in amazement.

"I mean it." She said as she covered his lips with hers.

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

Liv and Noah enjoyed their last day in town stopping in all of the little shops and picking up gifts to bring back for people.

"Mami, where is Rafi going to be when we go back to the city? Will Abuelitia still come and visit and bring me treats?" Noah asked her over ice cream.

Liv smiled at Noah's use of Mami and Abuelitia. They hadn't actually discussed what their living arrangements would be when they got back to the city. They both had places sitting waiting for them but Liv had no doubt they would figure that out. They had faced a lot in the last month she knew Rafael loved her and wasn't going anywhere.

"Don't worry my love, Rafi is going to be around and Abuelitia will still come to visit." She assured him.

Liv was surprised to find Rafael was already back when they walked back to the house. He was sitting on the front porch in jeans and a polo shirt waiting for them.

"Rafi!" Noah yelled running up and hugging him. "Hi, amigo, did you have a good day? Were you good for Mami?"

"Yes, Rafi, where are you going to live when we get back to the city?" he asked him catching Rafael by surprise.

"Wherever you and Mami are." He said hugging the boy looking into Olivia's eyes. He extended his arm to pull her into the hug too. Something on the door caught Noah's attention.

"There's a big bow on the door Mami, like a present." He said running to the door.

Liv looked at the red bow stuck to the door and back at Rafael in confusion.

Rafael knelt down by Noah and explained "Because it is a present Noah. It's a present for our family. This is our place to come whenever we want."

"Cool, I'm going to go play." The boy said not fully understanding what Rafael meant.

When Noah ran off Rafael turned to look at Liv who was standing there in disbelief her mouth slightly open not speaking.

"You bought the house?" She whispered

"Yeah, I did." He said a little nervously.

"For us?" She asked still not believing it. "For our family?" she asked using his words.

"Yes, I bought this house for our family, because I want us to always have a place to come when the world gets to be too much." He said regaining some confidence as he took her hands.

"How did you afford it?" She asked

Rafael shrugged, "I sold my condo."

Olivia's eyes grew wider, "You sold your condo?"

Rafael smiled at her, "Liv, I love you and I don't' want to be without you. I want this family that we are making here and I want us to have this place to come to where we all we have to worry about is each other."

"Raf, what are you saying?" She asked trying to make certain she was understanding.

The next thing she knew he was kneeing in front of her, "Olivia Benson, I'm saying that I love you and I want to marry you, be Noah's father, and spend the rest of my life beside you. Will you marry me Liv?"

Liv pulled him up to his feet and placed her hands on his face, "Rafael Barba, before you I had given up. I thought it would be just Noah and I and I was all right with that we had a good life, but you make my world so much better. You put a light into it that I didn't know was missing. I can't wait to tell everyone how much better my world is because you are in it. Yes. I will marry you."

Standing on their front porch the waves fell silent to the sound of their hearts beating together, knowing fully what the other's was saying. __

The End


End file.
